Today is one of my many anniversaries. It is one year to the day since she told me it was over. Just two weeks prior to that she'd told me it definitely wouldn't happen. She said we'd definitely still be together when she came to Oxford. "Nothing can change that". Apart from an extra two weeks to think about it, apparently.

Did she have to make the stupid fucking promises? Couldn't she just have been honest with me? She must have known that while she promised we'd still be together, it was really just a "maybe".

If you glance left you will notice that for the first time in absolutely ages there is a comment on the chat board. In fact there are quite a few. A very kind redhead has chosen to leave some very kind comments. Someone from the old days when I used to read lots of Blog-City blogs and I used to get lots of hits. If you're reading this, perhaps you can give me a few more clues. I love to know who you are! If you don't want to talk in public, you can email blondealien [at] gmail [dot] com. That goes for all of you. But especially kind redheads.

I'm not sure the posts in the chatboard are in quite the correct order, but you get the idea :)

It's been a difficult day. Almost everyone in my office is being made redundant. My team is safe (supposedly for two years but I think a pinch of salt is required there) but 90% of the people in the office will not be here in three months time. So really I should be thankful that my job is safe. But it's not as simple as that. For one thing, our new corporate overlords are not going to maintain a presence in Manchester forever. They need us for the moment, but they will discard us when they can. Also, being among the few who are not affected is a bit uncomfortable when we have to spend the next three months working with those who have lost their jobs. Some of those people have been with us for many years. Finally, it's going to be very strange when we are the few remaining people in a big, empty office. I don't want to be working in that environment. I'll miss the others. I love these people.

So very sensibly I left work at lunchtime and didn't bother to go back. I just got drunk instead.

For the first time since I fucked it up, I really wish Rina was still part of my life. That has been a constant wish since I lost her, but this is the first time I've needed her. I wish I could call her and talk it through. I know that talking to her would make it so much better. She always made everything feel so much better. This whole situation leaves me feeling so isolated. So alone. There are 100 people working around me. Soon there will only be 25 other people. And most of them will be in another room with a lock on the door.

I lost Rina because I treated her badly. Now I have to accept the consequences.

My horoscope for this week on The Daily Mash:

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If you feel you need to be critical of your sweetheart, be sure to raise your many concerns in a constructive way. How about PowerPoint?

Moving on, I appear to have helped a very attractive young girl who likes me to get a job in my office. I'm so kind and selfless! Of course there's really no potential for anything to happen with her. And it probably wouldn't be a good idea if anything did happen. But it's fun to think about. For the moment. Until it gets depressing!

Oh, and as of today the milk is gone!

I'm really not feeling good. And I think I know why. It's because she is hurting. I know how happy she has been over here. Now it's over and she's heading home. She must be finding it so hard. She must really be hurting. I feel it. But I can't do anything. There's not much I could have done anyway, but because I fucked everything up I can't even give a few words of comfort. Nothing. I can't even tell her it's going to be okay.

I'm a fuckin' idiot!

I mentioned last week that I'd have a dream about Someone Else. Since then I've had a couple more. And they were quite nice. But last night was all about Rina. We met up and we talked and we sorted out the whole mess and she slept next to me. We were friends again. There was also some kind of confrontation with another guy who was also in love with her, but only had been for a few days. Not sure what all that was about.

So it was a nice dream but now I feel like shit. I had been taking the first steps toward not thinking about this mess all the time. Now I feel like I'm back on square one. It does make some sense that it should happen now. Tomorrow she leaves for LA. If I hadn't screwed everything up I would have called her today. Wished her a good flight. Told her it was really nice to have her in the same time zone for several months. I would have told her that I miss her and I love her. But we're not talking, so I can't call. The next couple of days will be very hard for her. I hope she's okay.

Sorry if you've seen this before:

Subject: Facts

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved it's full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
28. 28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.

I find myself hoping she hasn't really made up her mind. Maybe part of her would like to keep in touch. Maybe that part is big enough that all hope is not lost. I keep hoping she'll drop me an email or give me a call. Just to say "I'm not ready to talk yet. Leave me for a few weeks/months. But then, if you want to send the occasional email, that might be okay". I just want to be in touch. Just a little bit. Just enough to know what's going on in her life (the major stuff). I'm not looking to be chatting on the phone every week or meeting up or anything like that. But I really wish we could get to a point where it's okay for me to email her. Just sometimes. I don't care what caveats or restrictions she lays down. I don't want her to disappear completely.

But I guess she's not going to do a u-turn so quickly. And as time goes on she'll stop thinking about me and the chances of her deciding to get in touch will diminish.

So it's all just an exercise in wishful thinking.

At work today, one of the guys was asking how if Rina had any cigarettes left after our night out. Apparently she'd given him quite a few. The first time he's smoked in about 8 years. He said he's not sure why he did it. I guess he was under the spell. She's hard to say no to! This made me smile because I remember her commenting on how few cigarettes she had on Saturday morning. It made me want to tell her where they went. But I can't so I'll just have to tell all of you instead :)

She was lying on my bed. Resting. I took her face in my hands and told her she's beautiful. Just for a moment there was a familiar look in her eye. She looked at me like hearing those words from me still meant something to her. Just for a second. And then it was gone. And my heart resumed beating.

I had a dream. A very vivid dream. My dreams are rarely like this. Usually in a dream I am somehow aware that none of what is happening is real. This was not the case. The dream was not about Rina. It was about someone from my past. Someone who I was previously fixated on. It appears my subconscious is trying to help me move on by replacing my Rina-obsession with a prior obsession. This makes sense since there are no potential new obsessions. I can't see how it would work though. I'm barely still in touch with the object of that prior obsession.

Maybe the point is to remind me that it is possible to get over these things.

I want to reply to Rina's email. Just to say "Okay. I understand. Please think well of me and remember me fondly". I want to tell her that although I know she has closed the door on this, my door will always be open. If she ever feels like she'd like to catch up and reconnect, I will always be open to it. Be it ten months from now, or ten years, or fifty years. Under whatever terms she is comfortable with.

But I'm not going to reply. It's not what she needs. And I think by now she knows that the door will always be open.